Affected
by JessFS
Summary: A slight jump my mind made while imagining episode 4x09: Kill Shot. Castle has his own issues to deal with when a rogue sniper dredges up not-so-old memories. Of course, I'm just playing around with them: All rights belong to Andrew Marlowe & ABC.


Kate Beckett's eyes slowly opened and she grimaced in the early morning sunlight. She turned her face away from the window and her heart stopped momentarily when she found herself nose to nose with Richard Castle's sleeping form. His eyelids fluttered from the effects of his deep slumber, and his lips were parted slightly as he emitted the slightest of snores.

She paused as she reflected on the night before, remembering his late night visit and their mutual need for comfort in the wake of their latest case. As desperate as she was to reassure everyone, including herself, that she no longer suffered any ill effects from the sniper's shot that nearly ended her life, Kate knew she couldn't hide from Castle. From the moment the team realized this latest case involved a sniper, it was a struggle to find balance. Ryan and Esposito wanted to respect her privacy and believe her constant reassurances that she was fine, mentally and physically. Castle gave himself no such boundaries, knowing in his heart that the aftershocks of her injury still gripped her in times of crisis. Kate knew he understood what the ramifications were of this particular case, but what she didn't realize was the effect the situation was having on his own emotions...

He had stood by her throughout the investigation. Each time the errant sniper surfaced and they found themselves dealing with the injured and dead, he was there to reassure her that she was okay, that she could handle it, and that he would help her. So when he appeared at her doorstep with a bottle of wine, a bag of chinese takeout, and an utterly forlorn look on his face, she had stepped aside wordlessly. She kept her back to him a moment longer than necessary, double checking the deadbolt on her front door and giving him time to collect himself. When she turned around, she saw him in her kitchen, busying himself with pulling containers of food from the bag and pouring overly generous glasses of wine.

Approaching him slowly and studying his face while he worked, she was alarmed to see that his eyes were red and the skin around them was puffy. He was holding the wine bottle with two shaking hands instead of one, in a futile effort to keep from sloshing liquid over the side of the glass. Hesitantly, she reached out and touched his elbow. He allowed her to take the bottle from his grasp and she quietly placed it on the counter. She led him to her couch and then quickly returned for the glasses and the food, placing them on the coffee table before joining him in the middle of the couch. He watched as she pulled her legs up underneath her body and turned so that she was facing him, and gave her a small, sad smile that didn't reach his eyes.

Kate fought the urge to reach out and run her hand through his hair, to cup one cheek with her hand and place a soft kiss on the other. She had seen Castle upset, she had seen him angry, and she had seen him sad; never had she seen him broken. It was the only term she could think of to describe the man who sat less than a foot away from her. He seemed to have forgotten the food and the wine, and his gaze fell to his knee, where his fingers played with a loose string from his pants.

Finally, he broke the silence. "I have nightmares."

Her head snapped up to meet his gaze, and she shook her head slightly. She didn't understand what that meant, why a nightmare would lead him to her apartment, looking like he was alone in the world.

"It started around the time we arrested Lockwood. I had these awful, vivid dreams of what would have happened if he had taken that shot, or I would see him holding your head underneath the surface of that giant tub of ice water, and I was paralyzed, Kate. I couldn't reach you, I couldn't stop him, and I couldn't save you."

He took a deep, shuddering breath, but managed to press on. "They were really bad the night Montgomery died. Filled with gunshots and the sound of you pleading with me to let you go back, to let you fight. All night, it was the same thing. You were lying on the floor of that hangar, but Montgomery was still alive and he kept repeating over and over, 'How could you, Castle? You promised you would keep her safe. How could you?' And I had no answers. I couldn't even breathe."

She shut her eyes and rested her forehead in one hand. She knew what was coming. "Now?"

"They were real," He said simply. "For one horrible day, my nightmares were real. From the second we hit the ground and I realized what was happening, I was in a living nightmare. I sat in that ambulance and Lanie was covered in your blood, and it was all the same; I couldn't move, I couldn't help you... I couldn't do anything. You died right in front of me. You died, and if they hadn't managed to bring you back so quickly I think I would have died right there beside you. That night, even though I knew you were going to be okay, the nightmares came back. You were pale and lifeless on the ground in that cemetery and there was Josh, hitting me and screaming at me that this was all my fault, that I put you in the line of fire and if I had just left you alone - "

A sudden, traitorous sob from the depths of his throat choked him, rendering him speechless, and Kate immediately grabbed his hands in her own. They were freezing cold, she noticed, and he was still shaking uncontrollably. She didn't say a word, just watched as he struggled to regain control of his emotions before finally managing to suck in several deep breaths in order to continue.

"They've never gone away. They just morph. Even after we got back to the precinct, when everyone thought things were back to normal? They were never normal for me, Kate, and I know they haven't been normal for you. It's not every night and it's not even every case, but there are some nights when I can't even function. I can't sleep, I can't write, and damn it if I still feel like I can't breathe. This case with the sniper... every night since the first body dropped, it's been the same dream. You die right in front of me every time I close my eyes. I see you trying to deal with this fallout every day and there are days when I know you're weak, but there's never anything I can do. I feel so helpless. I can't go back and change what's happened, I can't make your pain go away... I can't even make my own pain go away."

Kate sat in silence for a few moments, staring at her hands where they continued to cover his as she warred with herself over the correct response. "Castle... you know my pain will never go away, but what you don't know is that you make it better. You make this entire thing bearable. Sometimes I don't even know if I can make it through the day without you by my side. You make a difference in my life every day, and I'm grateful for that."

He brought his eyes up to hers and studied the warm sincerity he saw there. She interrupted him before he could speak. "There are some nights when I don't sleep, Castle. There are nights when I can't even turn off the lights, because I know what will happen if I do. I'm sorry I didn't realize that you might be having the same problems. I've been a terrible friend."

He did interrupt her then. "Kate, you can't say that. You can't blame yourself for the things I feel. You didn't pull the trigger that day in the cemetery and you haven't done anything more than what any normal cop - any normal person - would have done given the circumstances."

"That's still no excuse for not being there for you when you needed me."

"Maybe we need each other."

She fought the urge to pull away at the statement, and as the realization that she really did need him washed over her she made a conscious decision to stop running. Her walls and stipulations were still firmly in place, but if Castle wanted to love her - if he needed to love her - this seemed like the time to let him.

"Maybe we do," she whispered softly. A tear fell down her cheek, and when he reached out to wipe it away with the pad of his thumb, she leaned into his hand. When he gently tugged on her hand she didn't resist, and instead wrapped her arms around his waist and nestled her head into the crook of his neck.

They sat in silence, content to remain wrapped in each other's arms for no reason at all, other than the fact that they needed to be there. The need to give and receive comfort was overwhelming, and the reassurance of the safe confines of their embrace was enough to leave both of them hovering somewhere between sleep and waking.

Finally, Kate pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked up into his eyes, which were hooded with his need for sleep. "Will you stay?"

He stared down at her, and she could see the hesitation in his eyes. She knew he didn't want to overstep the fragile boundaries they had respected for so long, but she also knew they both desperately needed a night of uninterrupted sleep.

"It's okay, Castle." She stood and hauled him to his feet. "We both need some sleep. Maybe if we're together and know the other is safe, the nightmares won't come."

He followed her to her bedroom, not bothering to care that he was still fully clothed as he carefully crawled in between the covers and nestled his head into the pillow. After she reached up and turned off the bedside lamp, Kate lay her head down on her own pillow and they stared at each other in the moonlight.

He reached one hand out and tucked an errant piece of hair behind her ear. "You have nightmares about me?"

Her brow furrowed. "What?"

"You said we would know each other was safe... am I in your nightmares?"

She shifted uncomfortably as she tried to formulate a response, and he quickly backpedaled.. "I'm sorry. I overstepped. I just thought that your nightmares would be more - "

She shook her head to stop him. "More about snipers, my mom, and my own death? That's all there, Castle. It's always there... but you're there too. You, dead in that hangar. Bleeding out in that cemetery. Being held captive by the triple killer. Shot by those bank robbers. Every horrible thing that could possibly happen that would take you away from me... it happens in my dreams."

Suddenly, she found herself being pulled into his arms, and his face was buried in her hair. "I wish you would have told me," he mumbled.

"I couldn't," She protested weakly. "I didn't want to put that on your shoulders. I shouldn't have said it now."

His head pressed closer against hers, and she felt his breath on her neck as he spoke. "It's not weakness to need someone, Kate. Even if it's just a friend to keep the nightmares away."

She nodded slowly and hesitantly ran her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "Remember that the next time you can't breathe, okay?"

His laugh was weak, but it was music to her ears. "Guess I should take my own advice, huh?" His arms tightened around her. "Good night, Kate."

"Good night, Rick." She allowed herself to relax in his arms, and found sleep came much easier than it had the night before.

Now, in the light of day, Kate was fighting her flight reflexes. She had just made up her mind to pretend to be asleep when Castle's eyes fluttered open and she could feel the blush creeping up her neck.

"Watching me sleep, Detective? That's something I figured was more my style."

The familiar, easygoing banter comforted her, and she felt the tension drain from her body when she realized he wasn't going to push her or make assumptions that would upset the delicate balance they had achieved. "How did you sleep?"

He smiled at her and gave her waist a slight squeeze where his hands were still resting. "Like a baby. A well-adjusted, sleeps-through-the-night, baby." He sighed in contentment. "You?"

"No monsters or boogymen to be seen." She shifted a little in his embrace. "We do have a slight problem, though."

His expression turned serious in an instant. "Why? What's wrong? What happened?"

Her eyes nearly twinkled as the smirk took over her face. "Are you ever going to be able to sleep alone again?"


End file.
